Talking About Sexuality

Tips for Talking About Sexuality

It is natural to feel some awkwardness when talking about sexuality with young people. Like all skills, this one improves with practice and experience. Here are some guidelines that can help build your comfort and enhance your ability to reach young people effectively. 

Most Important: A Positive Tone 

The most important thing you can offer is a positive tone in your response to their questions. Let them know by your voice, gestures, and facial expressions, as well as the things you say, that you welcome their questions and appreciate their curiosity and opinions. 

General Guidelines 

Practice the language ahead of time. If you’re not used to speaking to groups about sexuality, practice saying the words ahead of time. Speak in front of a mirror, or have a conversation with family or friends about the program. Say the words sexual intercourse, anal intercourse, semen, penis, vulva, erection, etc. This will make it easier when you talk about these things with the group. 

Expect some embarrassment. You or the group members may be embarrassed at times. As everyone becomes more accustomed to the conversations, the embarrassment will diminish or disappear. Use respectful, appropriate language. Young people often use slang to refer to a sexual act or sexual anatomy. This may be the only language they know, or simply the language that is most comfortable for them, but it is helpful for them to learn standard terms as well. If they’re seeking health care, writing an article for a newsletter, negotiating safer sex with a partner, or talking to a counselor or parent, they may be able to communicate better if they know standard terminology. Without being critical of the language they use, you can rephrase some of their questions. (“Ron asked a question about a ‘boner.’ A more standard term for this is ‘erection.’ And yes, it is normal for a man to wake up with an erection in the morning.”) 

Welcome their questions. Let the group know that you want to hear their questions, are interested in their thoughts and experiences, and are committed to helping them make the best possible choices in their lives.  In the RCL program, there is a question box. Encourage youth who do not feel comfortable asking their questions out loud to the group to put it in the question box at the end of the class.  Assure that you will address all questions in the question box the following day. If you do not know the answer to a question, ask them to put it in the question box and research the answer before the next day so that you can provide an accurate answer. 

Provide a prevention message. Frame information and discussions about sexuality within an overall prevention message. You might focus on the importance of assessing risks, the ways young people can give and get support from friends, or the benefits of making a choice to be abstinent or use condoms. 

Focus on capabilities and positive norms. Young people hear a lot about teens who aren’t doing things “right.” A focus on young people who fail, make mistakes, or have suffered terrible consequences tends to make these problems sound like the norm. Instead, place the emphasis on young people who make healthy choices and want their peers to do the same. Whenever possible, give answers that emphasize norms that are positive, health affirming, and responsible. 

Respect the group. Respect the gravity of the issues young people deal with, and the talents and capabilities they can bring to their concerns. This is one of the best ways to establish a positive alliance. 

Talk about skills. Follow up answers with suggestions about choices group members can make and skills they can practice. For example, after a discussion about the risks of impulsive or unsafe sex, you might ask, “What are some things you could say or do if someone was pressuring you to have sex?” 

Avoid using "you" in general answers. If you’re talking about general issues, not personal ones, avoid language that makes risks seem expected. For example, say, “If a person has unprotected sex, they will be at risk for STIs,” instead of “If you have unprotected sex, you’ll be at risk for STIs.” 

Support Abstinence and Safer Sex as Viable Options 

Abstinence is a good choice for young people. Those who postpone sexual involvement are more likely to complete high school, less likely to become pregnant, and more likely to make better health choices in general. Support for abstinence is an expression of care for young people. 

Facilitators affirm this perspective through the activities and discussions in RCL. Most teens can see both the benefits of abstinence and the risks posed by sexual activity, but it is vital that this message be presented in an informed and balanced way, rather than being preachy, punitive, or moralistic. 

While emphasizing abstinence, facilitators should not ignore the fact that some young people are choosing to be sexually active. Communicate the same quality of caring and concern when supporting group members to take steps to ensure safe and healthy sexual experiences and to make thoughtful, informed decisions about sexuality. They should use condoms and contraception. They need to pay attention to their emotions and get help if they feel troubled in their relationships. 

Keep Appropriate Boundaries 

It is natural for facilitators to be drawn to certain group members, and even to develop special relationships with them. Sometimes, however, this can lead to problems. A Facilitator who wants to be friends with a young person may miss some important opportunities to provide guidance, support, and modeling. 

When Facilitators stay in role, they maintain an authoritative relationship with the group, meaning they are caring but set firm, appropriate boundaries and enforce rules as necessary. It can also help to remember that Facilitators are adults, not peers. As adults, their expectations, suggestions, concern and involvement have a different kind of impact and meaning. This sort of support can be very helpful, especially for group members who don’t have other strong, positive adult role models in their lives. 

Good boundaries also help protect leaders—group members are less likely to misconstrue your interactions. Young people need leaders who can act as role models and mentors much more than they need another friend or “buddy.” The agency should provide guidance on appropriate boundary setting to facilitators before they implement the RCL intervention. 

Enjoy the Adventure 

It is impossible to predict what will come up when youth groups discuss sexuality and sexual health. There are always surprises. The curiosity, intensity, and authenticity young people bring to this topic can be refreshing, inspiring, and exciting. The group will learn from you, and you will certainly learn from them. 

Answering Sensitive Questions 

As you prepare to answer group members’ questions about sensitive topics such as sexual behavior and sexual orientation, use the following guidelines to form answers that are accurate, appropriate and complete. 

Questions may be grouped into five broad categories, which overlap to some extent:

• Requests for information
• Values questions
• “Am I normal?” questions
• Permission-seeking questions
• Shock questions 

Requests for Information 

This type of question is generally posed when youth are genuinely seeking information regarding a particular subject to help increase their knowledge. 

• If you know the answer, fine. If not, it is OK to say, “I don’t know,” and then refer the youth to an appropriate source.  They can also put the question in the question box.  If they do, the facilitator and/or manager should provide an accurate answer to the question at the start of class the next day.
• Are there some value issues within the context of the question? If yes, make sure various points of view are presented.
• Is the question, although informational, one which you consider inappropriate for classroom discussion? Problems can be avoided if you have established in the context of the group ground rules an agreement such as:
  • “All questions are valid. However, I will have to make the final decision about the appropriateness of each question for total class discussion. If you turn in a question anonymously which I choose not to answer, it is not because it is a bad question. I may feel that it is not of interest to everyone or that I’m not prepared to lead a class discussion around that issue. Please see me at the end of class if ever this happens so that I can try to answer your question privately.”

Values Questions 

These questions are posed when youth are seeking clarity about facilitators’ values with the goal of potentially helping them define their own values. A great way to begin to answer this kind of question is to stress that “For some, _________ is true; for others, _________ is true, and, for me, _________ is true.” 

If there are value issues involved in the question, for example, “Is it all right for teens to have sex?” provide a synopsis of the different points of view regarding the issue. Refer participants to people in their lives who may help them resolve their questions about the issue. 

Youth sometimes ask a question about the facilitator’s values. Opinions about how or whether to respond to these questions differ. Some feel it is important to respond while others believe their role as facilitator gives their response too much weight. If you share your opinion, emphasize that it is only one of many and recommend that youth ask their parents/guardians about family values and beliefs. Avoid sharing information about personal sexual practices. 

“Am I Normal?” Questions 

These questions generally focus on adolescent concerns about their bodies and the emotional and physical changes they’re experiencing. 

• Validate their concerns, e.g., “Many young people worry that...” and provide information about what they can expect to happen during the adolescent years.
• Refer them to parents/guardians, family physician, community resources, or a counselor for further discussion, if appropriate.

Permission-Seeking Questions 

These questions typically come in two common forms—“Is it normal to...?” or “Did you _________ when you were growing up?” Youth may be asking your permission to participate or not participate in a particular behavior. 

Avoid the use of the word normal when answering questions. What is “normal” for some is morally unconscionable for others. Present what is known medically, legally, etc.—the facts—and discuss the moral, religious, and emotional implications, making sure all points of view are covered. Refer youth to parents/guardians, elders in one’s family or community, religious leaders, or another trusted adult for discussion of moral/religious questions. 

Establish, in the context of group ground rules, an agreement related to discussion of personal behavior, such as: “No discussion of personal behavior during class.” If and when you (the Facilitator) get a question about your personal behavior, you can remind youth of this Group Agreement and redirect the discussion to one of the pros and cons (religious, moral, medical, emotional, legal, interpersonal, etc.) of the particular behavior in question. Again, refer youth to parents/guardians for further discussion of moral/religious questions. 

Shock Questions 

Shock questions often catch a facilitator off guard due to the context or content of the language used in asking the question. Remind youth about the Group Agreements related to appropriate questions for classroom discussion. 

Sometimes the shock comes not from the content of the question, but the vocabulary used. You can re-word the question to diffuse it, especially if you have previously established a Group Agreement related to vocabulary, such as: “In this class, I want to teach the proper vocabulary for body parts and functions, and I also want to communicate with you. Sometimes you may not know the correct word for something you have a question about. Use whatever word you know to ask that question and I will answer using the correct (acceptable) word.” 

3 Steps to Follow

It is important to understand and feel comfortable with the guidelines for answering sensitive questions. When you are presented with a sensitive question, stay calm and follow these 3 steps: 

1. Listen to the question. Determine what information/response the youth seems to be seeking. Pause for a moment or two if needed.
2. Paraphrase the question. Change slang to correct terminology, convert “me” or “you” pronouns in questions to general terms such as “a young person” or “people.” Paraphrasing questions also helps check your understanding of the question.
3. Respond to the question based on the guidelines. While answering the question, clear up any misinformation and provide an objective, fact-based response.

Responding to Reports of Abuse 

Whenever young people are learning about sexuality, it is possible that reports of physical or sexual abuse will emerge. Group members may share rumors they have heard, express concern for a friend who is facing these problems, or ask directly for help themselves. They may exhibit signs or symptoms of abuse. They may describe a personal experience without realizing it constitutes abuse. 

There are laws prohibiting the sexual, physical and emotional abuse of minors in every state. These laws require that abuse be reported immediately to the appropriate authorities. Your agency should have clear policies and procedures in place that describe how to respond to any allegations of abuse. Be sure you are familiar with these guidelines. Review the written policies and procedures manual, and know to whom you can turn at the agency for assistance if you are unsure about a situation or need guidance. 

Here are some points to keep in mind: 

• Know state laws and your agency’s policies on mandated reporting concerning suspected abuse, neglect, sexual abuse or statutory rape, which is defined as an adult having sexual intercourse with a minor.
• Discuss these requirements with the young people in your program so they understand exactly what must happen if they describe a situation you are required to report.
• Be clear about the limits of confidentiality. Don’t negotiate with group members, promise not to tell, or provide assurances you may not be able to keep. Sometimes a situation seems benign on first telling, but as a group member fills in details it becomes clear that a report is mandated.
• If an activity causes youth to self-disclose, the facilitator should carefully end the disclosure and talk to the youth in private after class. You should also discuss with your supervisor if it is the agency’s policy.